Aside from taking a fairly morbid look at why my wife is essential (http://www.familymanonline.com/columns.php?id=55), I’m attempting to highlight a few less obvious reasons to celebrate my partner in this month of the mommy:
She reads almost as many kid novels as my 10-year-old — at night by herself.
She rarely complains about our sons’ messy rooms because she’s the biggest slob in the house.
She knows how to say, “Sign here, honey,” after she fills out the kid-related paperwork I can’t stand dealing with.
She cleans the cat litter every day in repayment for the eight years I did so while she was in child-bearing mode.
She lets me hide in the bathroom to check my fantasy baseball scores under the pretext that I actually need that long to use the toilet.
She puts up with the fact that her four boys (me included) cry more often than she does.
She allows me to write almost anything I want about her (she nixed a whole lot of graphic details in my childbirth columns).
Happy Mother’s Day to you, honey, and to all the moms out there who do all the big and little things to make our family lives tick. For an extra laugh, check out the following goofy clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhcA4Ry65FU .
There’s a new, brutally frank book called A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting, by Hara Estroff Marano (http://www.nationofwimps.com/). It really has me thinking. Am I raising my kids to depend on me for everything? Sure, I’ve read and agreed with most of Wendy Mogel’s The Blessing of a Skinned Knee (http://www.wendymogel.com/books.html), but have I followed its principles to allow my children to fall on their butts now so they learn how to get back up on their own power?
I battle with myself almost daily about being appropriately protective and educational. Just the other night, my wife and I discussed the fact that our kindergartner is not reading yet. The teacher said the other kids in the class were reading and she didn’t want our kid to lag. She wasn’t mean about it but she did alarm us. Should we work with our son every night, drill him, get him a tutor, as some parents seem to be doing even at this early stage of education? Up till this point, it hadn’t been a concern because our oldest didn’t learn to read until he was well into first grade — well behind his classmates. His teacher told us not to push, to let our child struggle and come to reading on his own steam. Now he consumes books out of the joy of reading. Certainly, our kids are different, but we are going to refrain from making a federal case out of it and let him fail a little. We have faith that he’ll learn to read and realize that he doesn’t need us to move his eyes across the page.
I’m not sure if this is a perfect example of how to avoid invasive parenting, but it is one touchpoint of concern in an age in which many moms and dads believe good parenting means hand-holding a child through school, friendships, athletics, and more. A Nation of Wimps addresses the dangers too much coddling can lead to, including depression and aimlessness in kids as they grow older. The author also offers approaches to helping our children take smart risks and make decisions for themselves. As shattering as the book can be to our own sense of being good, involved parents, it is worth the pain now to learn how to raise strong, independent human beings.
My eldest son turns 10 in a few days. He’s into double digits and only five years away from high school. It’s the kind of event that has me choking up every time I see an insurance commercial showing an infant growing up to be a man graduating from college. I hate those commercials, especially because they also depict the dad going from a spry 20 or 30-something to a gray-haired, cardigan-wearing old guy. Even as my own birthday looms four days after Benjamin’s, I’m not ready to consider the advertiser version of aging — and I’m not ever going to wear a cardigan!
Still, I find myself dipping into the well of cliches as I wonder where the time has gone. Just yesterday my son was a chubby baby who used to bounce from laughing so hard when I said a simple “boo.” I have to fight off the strains of Sunrise, Sunset as I watch him work out complex math equations when just a minute ago he was in Gymboree, counting “one, two, fwee.”
While I do have a dull ache about how quickly all this goes by, I’m working hard to stave off the pangs of regret. I know there have been too many days when I worked too long and got angry too quickly. But, overall, I have played with him lots, read to him tons, picked him up early when he’s been sick, volunteered at his school, and listened to him tell me jokes he’s learned on the playground. There’s no time for sadness — the time is for doing and being with him and his equally fast-growing brothers.
So I wish you, Benjamin, the happiest of birthdays. Thank you for helping me live more of my life in the moment.
The terrific family music performer, Debbie Cavalier (http://www.familymanonline.com/recommends.php?id=45), has published an article that explains how parents can help their children (particularly the youngest ones) truly understand and enjoy the many facets of live music (http://parentschoice.org/article.cfm?art_id=332&the_page=event_feature). Debbie, who is also the dean of continuing education at the Berklee College of Music, makes suggestions such as discussing the kinds of instruments that will be used by the performers before going to see the show to understanding the protocols of attending a concert.
A twenty-year veteran of early childhood education and consulting, Brett Berk writes in the intro to his new book that, “it was seeing firsthand — as a preschool teacher — just how difficult parenting is that convinced me that I was not cut out for it. But blind unconditional love [as shown by parents to their kids], by definition, must contain blind spots. My job in this book is to shine a light on these.”
Indeed, Berk’s “outsider” perspective in The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting(http://brettberk.com/the-gay-uncles-guide-to-parenting/) offers analysis and solutions that cut through many assumptions — or what Berk calls “parenting bubbles” — about what’s supposed to work in parenting. And the fact that he presents such clearheaded ideas with witty commentary and personal anecdotes about his family and friends makes this a snappy read.
As a former teacher and preschool director, the author has insightful tips about handling school difficulties. As a consultant to media companies who aim toward kids, he has advice about managing your child’s media diet. And as a compassionate human being who believes parents can feel more in control and more balanced in their lives, he peppers this guide with checklists and sidebars that are easy to refer to again and again. One of the best charts in the book is the “How to Talk to Your Kids About: Everything.” This tool grabs the subject of communicating with children by the roots and branches out with vital strategies, assessments of the wrong way to talk to kids, and suggestions on what he’s seen work in the field. With its fresh viewpoint, The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting is the standout family advice book of this young year.
If you’ve read this month’s column (http://www.familymanonline.com/columns.php?id=52), you know how much my middle kid reveled in handing out Valentine’s to his kindergarten friends. My eldest (age 9) rolled his eyes about the whole thing. And my little one just loved the heart-shaped pizza my wife brought home and the red oranges I threw into a salad for dinner. As my wife and I sit here while I type, we’re pretty much too tired to make much more out of the “day that Hallmark built.” Yet I did manage to ask her what her favorite romantic song is, other than Nat King Cole’s “When I Fall in Love” (our wedding song from 14 years ago this upcoming Tuesday). Her pick is “Endless Love,” by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross. Mine is “What You Won’t Do For Love,” by Bobby Caldwell. When that record came out in 1978, they released a limited edition red heart-shaped ‘45′ single. which I’m still kicking myself for not buying. Anybody out there want to call out their fave romantic song?
Vanderbilt University researchers have just released a report that shows how the mere act of a mother listening to her child explain what he/she learned in school can help the kid learn better (http://www.vanderbilt.edu/news/releases?id=39112). The key here is that listening to a child is the simple ingredient in helping he/she learn. The lead reseacher, Bethany Rittle-Johnson, says that — although the study focused on mothers — it is logical to assume that any involved adult, such as a father or grandfather, can have the same effect. This kind of news tells us how valuable it is for us to ask questions and listen. A child can learn without us telling them how to do things. By emphasizing listening, we allow ourselves to give our children space to process what is in their heads. We don’t even have to know what the heck they are taking about (and it says so in this study!). For more thoughts on the research, check out the excellent blog writting by Stacey Garfinkle in The Washington Post - http://blog.washingtonpost.com/parenting/2008/01/are_you_listening_mom.html
Super Tuesday will be upon us in a matter of hours. What an exciting time for all of us as the primaries offer what I think are some of the most intriguing presidential choices we have ever seen. At the lead are a female candidate with a true chance at party nomination, a Vietnam vet who’s surging after being counted out just a couple of months ago, a former governor who’s unafraid to stand up for his religion, and an African American who looks strong in battle against political veterans. This seems to be a race that offers candidates with more of an interest in bringing the country together rather than polarizing factions. It is a competition that can we can use to teach our kids about issues, including the economy, war, health care, the poor, and education. Ask them for their thoughts on these topics and have them watch election coverage and read articles that are appropriate for their age (check out http://www.timeforkids.com/TFK/). Take your kids to the polling booths, have them wear your “I Voted” stickers, and talk with them about this ever fascinating democratic process of ours. For more thoughts on teaching kids about the election, read Meredith O’Brien’s new article (http://www.familymanonline.com/moms_and_dads.php?id=150).
My wife and I bicker frequently. I wish we didn’t but the stressors of jobs, money, and children (to name a few) cause us to nag, put down, and sometimes yell. Now, there’s evidence that some of this acrimony offers personal harmony. A newly published study from the University of Michigan says that arguing with your spouse may actually help you live longer (http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-01-24-marriage-study_N.htm). The research suggests that the health benefits stem from airing out emotions rather than suppressing the negativity, which can build up stress in the body. Before anyone pats himself on the back for doing the conversational equivalent of 30 minutes on the treadmill, Psychology Today suggests that the frequency of fighting can indicate deeper problems that should be addressed (http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19930901-000010.html).
Then there are the effects on the kids. I believe that couples who argue (without violence) in front of children can model a healthy relationship as long as they successfully make peace in front of the kids, too. For more thoughts on that, see my article on “Modeling a Good Marriage” (http://www.familymanonline.com/ask_familyman.php?id=18).
It’s time for my second annual list of favorite music recordings for kids and their groovy parents. As with last year, this installment of the Family Man Recommends Top 10 Family Albums represents the finest CDs of those I got a chance to know. There are loads of good records I am fortunate to spin, and the monthly reviews I do are of the works I think are most worthy. In the flurry of the year’s end, I got a chance to sample a few more albums and a number of those have made my list. Congrats to those artists who are shown below; you’ve done some amazing work.
2. Recess Monkey - Wonderstuff (http://www.recessmonkeytown.com/) - This double-CD is a heady mix of storytelling, pop tunes, and fantastical humor. Some have called it a kiddie rock opera.
6. Father Goose - It’s a Bam Bam Diddly! (http://www.fathergoose.net/)- This goose is very good for the gander. Had to use the pun because it’s true about this reggae-swaying collection by one of Dan Zanes’ regular players.
9. The Asylum Street Spankers (http://asylumstreetspankers.com/) - Mommy Says No! - Great title. Great range of nifty songs that range in genre from jazz to punk.
10. Candy Band - Simon Says (http://www.candyband.com/) - Thrashing guitar music for the little ones. Loud fun — just like your kids.
